ramuda again thinks it's fortunate that he doesn't need to try to control his expressions as a plush rabbit. then again, he's never been good at controlling his expressions in present company and he doesn't even want to anymore. but reflexes are reflexes. ]
Oui. Not by choice, but for the lack of one. Tell me... if that were to happen — if I were to betray you, hurt you, without ever meaning to — would you stop me?
[ if you asked him a few weeks ago, even right before he died, he probably would have been able to answer yes. but he's had time to sit with what lobelia has given him, to feel it settle between his non-existent ribs, slip into his heart and fill in all the empty space. ]
Depends. [ this is likely not the answer lobelia wanted to hear, but it is the answer ramuda can give. there are many more words behind it, many more questions he can't voice. what does stopping mean?
[...It's much too cruel to ask Ramuda to have a hand in killing him. It's cruel to ask that anyone put him down in the event he can't be saved, can't be cured, can't be rendered less of a threat. There's cruelty, and then there's scarring someone precious with a pain they may never fully recover from.
Lobelia is quiet for a good, long while, idling stoking the plush's soft ears.]
I will understand if you never forgive me. At the same time... I refuse to exist as anything but myself. I won't hurt you, either. Jamais. So I would urge you to prepare for that possibility.
[ he leans into the pets, finishing the cigarette he started this conversation with and lighting another one amidst the silence on the other side of the mirror. ]
Understand. [ and he does, because ramuda feels the same way. if he was going to just become another clone of chuokhu, if he was to lose who he is, he'd rather just die too. maybe that's ironic coming from someone who kicks and fights with everything they have to survive, but ramuda knows this is true despite never being presented with this situation himself. he accepts lobelia's words here, utterly and wholly.
but—
he doesn't have too many words to betray him, nor the sound of his heart. he's prepared, but it is almost certainly not in the way lobelia would wish for. ]
Je t'aime. [ what's in the word love? so many things, so many feelings and emotions that bury him in a pile of colorful sweets. someone like ramuda amemura has said this many times before, but never, ever, in this way. never with his whole heart, his soul, his entire being.
there is a danger in filling something to where it's close to bursting.
It rolls off the tongue so easily, doesn't it? Je t'aime. But it wasn't easy for Ramuda to say. It never is, peeling back your defenses far enough to let someone watch the way your heart bleeds. Men like them are experts at smiling through their wounds, offering the world honeyed words and carefully curated truths, never the trembling core beneath.
And it guts Lobelia. Both of them are losing precious things. Lobelia is not Lobelia without his mind, and Ramuda is slowly losing the man he has admitted to loving. Life is cruel, life is harsh, and Lobelia can only assume this must be karma. If he'd known he'd meet someone like Ramuda... perhaps he would have lived differently. Perhaps he would have made fewer mistakes, guarded fewer secrets, sought fewer reasons to remain alone.
But regrets come too late. He swallows the sigh threatening to escape and keeps it trapped behind his teeth. His fingers stroke the plush— soft, familiar, but it is not the same. It is not warm. It is not human. It is not his Ramuda.]
Je t'aime aussi. Hoping for the best while preparing for the worst isn't a crime. And should we meet again, and you find me in an unrecognizable state... know that I haven't forgotten you. Not in my heart.
[ ramuda had said it because he felt it, like everything he says and does. still, it makes him feel so warm to have it returned and he wishes lobelia could feel that at least. he hasn't doubted his intentions since the night before he died even if it took him an entire day of laying in silence, swaddled in way too many blankets to accept it.
as much as it is a poor copy of touch, the rabbit brushes up against his fingers as best he can; hell truly is being unable to give both affection and words to someone like ramuda who thrives on them both. and hoping for the best while preparing for the worst is his specialty actually, and hearing it makes him laugh, the sound tinged with his deeper voice.
tap, tap goes the soft pink paw against lobelia's chest, and then back to the plush's own. you're here too! undeniably so and whether that causes him to finally bound free or break, ramuda is fine with it. ]
Reunite! [ there is no should. they will meet again even if the combination might be wacky. (even ramuda would not wish for lobelia to die so they can reunite as a ghost; nevermind that he thinks magi would take him personally and we have somehow reached the exact configuration that makes ramuda of all people, possessive.)
...but it'll happen. and after that well—it remains to be seen. but one way or another, ramuda will wind up with lobelia. the question is whether it will be be in life or death. ]
Edited (me realizing i should prob slap a cw here) 2025-12-11 23:29 (UTC)
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no subject
ramuda again thinks it's fortunate that he doesn't need to try to control his expressions as a plush rabbit. then again, he's never been good at controlling his expressions in present company and he doesn't even want to anymore. but reflexes are reflexes. ]
Betray?
no subject
Oui. Not by choice, but for the lack of one. Tell me... if that were to happen — if I were to betray you, hurt you, without ever meaning to — would you stop me?
no subject
Depends. [ this is likely not the answer lobelia wanted to hear, but it is the answer ramuda can give. there are many more words behind it, many more questions he can't voice. what does stopping mean?
if it means-
if it means—
he can't and he won't. ]
no subject
Lobelia is quiet for a good, long while, idling stoking the plush's soft ears.]
I will understand if you never forgive me. At the same time... I refuse to exist as anything but myself. I won't hurt you, either. Jamais. So I would urge you to prepare for that possibility.
no subject
Understand. [ and he does, because ramuda feels the same way. if he was going to just become another clone of chuokhu, if he was to lose who he is, he'd rather just die too. maybe that's ironic coming from someone who kicks and fights with everything they have to survive, but ramuda knows this is true despite never being presented with this situation himself. he accepts lobelia's words here, utterly and wholly.
but—
he doesn't have too many words to betray him, nor the sound of his heart. he's prepared, but it is almost certainly not in the way lobelia would wish for. ]
Je t'aime. [ what's in the word love? so many things, so many feelings and emotions that bury him in a pile of colorful sweets. someone like ramuda amemura has said this many times before, but never, ever, in this way. never with his whole heart, his soul, his entire being.
there is a danger in filling something to where it's close to bursting.
liebestod. ]
no subject
It rolls off the tongue so easily, doesn't it? Je t'aime. But it wasn't easy for Ramuda to say. It never is, peeling back your defenses far enough to let someone watch the way your heart bleeds. Men like them are experts at smiling through their wounds, offering the world honeyed words and carefully curated truths, never the trembling core beneath.
And it guts Lobelia. Both of them are losing precious things. Lobelia is not Lobelia without his mind, and Ramuda is slowly losing the man he has admitted to loving. Life is cruel, life is harsh, and Lobelia can only assume this must be karma. If he'd known he'd meet someone like Ramuda... perhaps he would have lived differently. Perhaps he would have made fewer mistakes, guarded fewer secrets, sought fewer reasons to remain alone.
But regrets come too late. He swallows the sigh threatening to escape and keeps it trapped behind his teeth. His fingers stroke the plush— soft, familiar, but it is not the same. It is not warm. It is not human. It is not his Ramuda.]
Je t'aime aussi. Hoping for the best while preparing for the worst isn't a crime. And should we meet again, and you find me in an unrecognizable state... know that I haven't forgotten you. Not in my heart.
[Not where it matters.]
cw; suicidal implications
as much as it is a poor copy of touch, the rabbit brushes up against his fingers as best he can; hell truly is being unable to give both affection and words to someone like ramuda who thrives on them both. and hoping for the best while preparing for the worst is his specialty actually, and hearing it makes him laugh, the sound tinged with his deeper voice.
tap, tap goes the soft pink paw against lobelia's chest, and then back to the plush's own. you're here too! undeniably so and whether that causes him to finally bound free or break, ramuda is fine with it. ]
Reunite! [ there is no should. they will meet again even if the combination might be wacky. (even ramuda would not wish for lobelia to die so they can reunite as a ghost; nevermind that he thinks magi would take him personally and we have somehow reached the exact configuration that makes ramuda of all people, possessive.)
...but it'll happen. and after that well—it remains to be seen. but one way or another, ramuda will wind up with lobelia. the question is whether it will be be in life or death. ]