Well there's no way I'd come all this way just for some big, heavy books, so whaddya think?
[ ramuda is dressed up like this except with pants rolled all the way down, he doesn't want to get frostbite thank you, plus with a beanie. very cozy and layered in a way that's casual but cohesive, because he absolutely knows his fashion.
he bounds over like usual, stopping just short of the taller man. here is where he'd usually expression affection of some sort (it varies, depending on the vibe of the day as is typical of ramuda), but he doesn't today. his grin and the way he looks up at him is the same as usual, though. ]
[What a charming ensemble. Lobelia can barely see the boy beneath those baggy layers, but his mind is more on ensuring Ramuda is well-insulated from the cold. Lobelia is frequently in flowing layers, but seeing Ramuda all bundled up makes him wish he'd brought a blanket.
He nearly reaches for Ramuda... but stops short. The snow isn't the only odd thing to come out of this week. There's the curious matter of the pain caused by skin-to-skin contact. If Ramuda wanted to avoid needless pain, Lobelia would understand. Most people would.]
It's a shame I can't greet you properly, but what can be done? This place has unusual methods of keeping people apart. Très triste.
ramuda absolutely learned what the effects of this week were, probably within minutes of waking up and trying to throw himself over kaios shoulder or some other configuration of affection. it was a Time, for sure. ]
[ ramuda doesn't necessarily disagree, he just looks at it differently. ]
I don't like pain but I do like being touched. I don't like losing, but sometimes you gotta lose so you can win next time. [ he bounces on the balls of his feet up and down. truthfully, the effect this week does bug him, but he doubts anyone would ever be able to take a guess why. ]
And I wouldn't. There's more than a few honeys that have tried that already.
Un stratège, are you? How wise of you to keep your eyes on the outcome rather than the steps along the way.
[A sharp mind, more than looks would suggest. No matter how many layers of bubblegum pink and saccharine charm he wraps himself in, Lobelia knows the taste beneath is something far more interestingβ far less sweet.
Naturally he would peel those layers back. Naturally he'd pry where he isn't wanted, listening for secrets never meant for his ears. It's the contradiction Ramuda wears so boldly that makes Lobelia itch to pull and unravel.]
[ the first time they had spoken in private, ramuda had been reminded of jakurai with some shades of honobono thrown in. tonight however, he's distinctly reminded of samatoki, at least in the way he sees the situation. ]
[ his eyes narrow briefly, not because of the pet name and not because any particular combination of words struck home for him but because he recalls the nostalgia in asking a question of this shade. like this, the blues of his eyes are less visible, the pink that almost bridges into red sharper and more focused than the bright azure below. ]
Do you want to be touched? Do you want to be hurt? [ two questions, but there's a reason he was an akita last week and not another breed of dog. ]
[Lobelia's smile curves, soft and amused. He brings himself to eye level with Ramuda, doesn't blink when those sharp eyes threaten to cut into his. Let them. He'll take that risk for the sheer thrill of it.]
I don't want to be hurtβ not for the sake of feeling pain. It ought to mean something, non? Just as a touch does. Both carry different meanings. Both have their place.
[ lobelia, you're going to hurt your back and/or your knees getting down to his level. practical considerations aside, ramuda is keenly aware of the movement of course; talking eye to eye rarely happens for him unless he's the one facilitating it, even beyond logistics.
it means he stays close, at least for now. ]
That's a whole lot of things to think about if you do that for everything you do.
[ he would know. ]
But if you're not feeling it, you're not feeling it. [ ramuda can be extremely pushy yes, but just like the rest of him that's paradoxical, it can easily swerve the other way. ] But hey, randomness can have meaning too.
[ this too, he knows.
he also purposefully does not address the meaning or lack thereof in the present moment. which is it? that's for ramuda to know. ]
[Lobelia huffs a laughβ warm, not mocking. Ramuda's contradictions spiral like candy ribbon, and he follows the shape with an almost indulgent patience. He shifts a touch, enough to ease the strain on his posture, but he doesn't retreat. If Ramuda stays close, so will he.]
Mon cher, I do not weigh every action as though it were a moral philosophy exam... but some things do deserve thought. Touch. Hurt. The reasons behind them.
[He lifts a hand as if he means to brush a stray strand of cotton candy hair from Ramuda's face, but he doesn't touch. Not yet.]
Randomness can have meaning, oui. But if I am not feeling it... I simply am not feeling it. It's that simple.
[He exhales a quiet, thoughtful hum, eyes lit with bright, gentle mischief.]
And you... you're avoiding the heart of the matter entirely. Whether the moment means something or nothing... only you know that.
[ ramuda isn't moving, not even when lobelia lifts his hand almost to touch. ]
Am I? But you didn't ask me that, just like how I didn't ask you a direct question before. [ he could leave it there, leave it heavily implied, but this is ramuda, a pink wrecking ball. ]
So are you going to ask me?
[ the distinct lack of slang in his words is apparent, especially to someone like lobelia. ramuda often peppers his speech with informal language and contemporary idioms and although his flow is still the same as always, melodic and upbeat, his sound is definitely different; alert, sharper, and honed. ]
[Ah... so that's where Ramuda is steering this. Lobelia recognizes the sharpened edge beneath all that sugar and sweetness. And the way he doesn't retreat when Lobelia threatens to touch? That, too, is an answer in its own right.
He lets his hand hover just a breath from Ramuda's cheek. A question shaped by proximity.]
Very well. I'll ask plainly, since that is what you're waiting for. Do you want me to touch you?
[A beat. Something gentler flickers through his gaze.]
Not by accident. Not by implication. Not by chance. Do you want my hands on you... for a reason?
[ ramuda can't help but laugh, not derisively, but pure and bright. he probably shouldn't but he is both the most obedient and most rebellious simultaneously. ]
I do! [ without an ounce of hesitation. ] Are you gonna make me explain myself? It's cause I like you!
[ ramuda doesn't need to think that hard on it and he thought it was obvious. even with the drawbacks to touch, he still thinks it's worth it. he's let himself get beat up for far less and despite how bratty he was just moments ago, he can't help but want to catch that flicker for himself. ]
[Ah... so that's what Ramuda meant. So bright, so blatant, so simple in the way only Ramuda can be, confessing affection as easily as breathing. And Lobelia? For a moment, he simply stares. Not because he's shocked Ramuda likes him, but because he can't fathom why. If Ramuda knew the whole truth, surely he would run. Surely he should.
But Ramuda doesn't step back. He leans closer. And that, more than the words themselves, knocks something loose in Lobelia's chest.]
Mon cher... you say it so easily. Like me? How fortunate I am that you are so brave, or so reckless. I cannot tell which.
[His smile curves slow, indulgent, teasing in the way his voice always softens when he's genuinely touched.]
But tell me... are you certain you want my hands on you? You'll pay for it, you know. Enough touches and you'll be in pain for the rest of the day. I would hate to have your fondness punished so harshly.
[He leans in, breath warm, stopping just shy of brushing their foreheadsβ close enough that Ramuda can feel the promise of contact, but not the contact itself.]
Unless... you like me that much?
[Another beat. Quieter, softer.]
Because if you truly do β if you mean it β I will try not to hurt you more than necessary. Even if I can't quite understand why someone as bright as you would look twice at someone like me.
I've gotten punished for no reason at all and for really stupid ones.
[ many, many times over and it's such an honest answer that ramuda doesn't realize he's said a bit more than he'd like. ]
This ain't that, it's not even close. I like you the most, I have the most fun with you out of everyone here! [ plainly as only ramuda can say it again, but just like before it is the truth. the why of it is twisted tight like the red stripe on a candy cane, but it's there. if lobelia isn't used to company, ramuda isn't used to being protected or looked out for, not when it matters. ]
Plus darkness and light are totally a combo, you know? Trust me on this one β.
[ ...and like recognizes like even if this is something ramuda is certainly not looking at himself. his brightness has darkness too, certainly it was born from it. ]
[His brows knit at the suggestion of being punished for no reason, expression further complicated by the way Ramuda says this as if speaking about the weather. Like a mirror held up to his soul, the reflection is painful.
Lobelia's hands find Ramuda's waist. They guide him close, and through layers of fabric, the faintest prickles of pain find him. Lobelia can ignore it easily enough.]
Ouiβ contrast and balance is important. But more than that... why is it that you've foregone your own happiness? Have you given up on it, or has it yet to find you in the proper form?
[ through both their layers it's not all that bad, certainly a level of pain he's felt before and fought through. he knows how to tense his diaphragm to brace himself and neither his voice nor the beats of his heart betray any discomfort. he settles in as easily as he did when he was in lobelia's arms for the jail tour and if anything the only tell he gives is that yes this was what he wanted, the soft sigh from his lips speaking for him.
...there is a slight pause before he answers, because this is certainly a question he should blow off. it's a question he wants to blow off but he's also enjoying this closeness; the pain matters way less than going who knows how many days without physical touch. it's not an addiction nor is it an indulgence but it does keep him centered and remind him of his biggest defect that is also his only source of comfort. ]
Lobelia, have you heard of YOLO before? It means You Only Live Once. If you can die any day, at any time, then you should spend every moment in pursuit of happiness. And [ the part that follows isn't in the definition of yolo but it is for Ramuda Amemura ] if you live another day, you can get more happiness. So you can put up with anything if it means you get to see tomorrow.
Edited 2025-11-20 04:56 (UTC)
throws this tag at you like a brick I'M SORRY HOW DID IT GET SO LONG
[So you can put up with anything if it means you get to see tomorrow.
How beautiful. How tragic. Worst of all, Lobelia understands innatelyβ even if "YOLO" was, blessedly, a term he'd not encountered until now. The irony does not elude him. That he should meet someone who reflects the most painful parts of himself, forces him to look at them... it feels predestined. This ache in his chest was meant for him.
Spend every moment in the pursuit of happiness. Yes, Lobelia did exactly that from the time he was a young boy combing the shoreline for conch shells, dutifully honoring his parents' wishes. Yet happiness remained fleeting. He'd crush it in his hands, watch it bleed, and feel enlivened. Then the silence kicked in. Then came the void.
How wonderful, and how painful, it is to be understood.
Lobelia sighs, tugging Ramuda closer before his mind can catch up to his hands. He kisses him knowing full well it will hurtβ knowing full well neither of them would have it any other way.
The pain stings along his lips, buzzes beneath his skin, electric and cruel. He lingers in that kiss, steeps in it as long as Ramuda does, drawing back only when he can remain silent no longer.]
You speak as though tomorrow is a luxury granted to others, not to you. As though happiness is something you can only chase in stolen moments, never claim for yourself.
[He leans back enough to meet Ramuda's eyesβ warm, intent, and far too observant.]
Oui, you live once. Just once. All the more reason not to spend that precious life enduring pain simply because it is familiar, or because you think you don't deserve more than flickers of joy.
[His voice drops, quiet, almost hesitant. Rare for him.]
[ yes, the kiss is certainly more than a welcome reprieve (even with the pain it comes with, something he's not fully prepared for but that he acclimates to with some effort). he presses deeper into it, stinging his lips and pricking his tongue—ramuda hates needles but he might hate certain other topics just as much.
ahhh, he can't hold it for as long as he'd like because he's certainly no masochist either. when he pulls back he's more than a little breathless and dazed; skin buzzing in a way that isn't pleasant, but still serves just as well to blunt his thoughts, just a little. ]
Hah... [ there's something different in his breath out, a deeper resonance than his usual. he's so weak and defective, if he wasn't off kilter from the kiss or the miasma that's plagued them since dawn, he could say what he wants to say. what he wants to shout from the bottom of his lungs, a gunshot that would echo all the way to the cold stone of the jail.
"No you don't!" ]
That's not— [ where is his pitch right now? somewhere between the sweet saccharine of his usual and the deep depth of his natural voice. ]
I didn't decide anything! [ ...that wasn't what he wanted to shout. but of course, it makes perfect sense that a defective product like him would fail at even the most basic defense of itself. ]
[Ah. His tone has shifted. As carefully as Ramuda manicures the image he shows to the world, it's obvious to someone like Lobelia when cracks in one's armor emerge. He's always looking for them, always poised so strike, but this is... this is different. He isn't looking to tear Ramuda apart. He isn't trying to hurt him. This isβ]
Then it was decided for you. By whom?
[And with what right? Lobelia keeps Ramuda close, locked in his arms. He hadn't the inclination to let him go before, but he really doesn't now.]
[ hold onto him tight because if you don't, he'll certainly run away as fast as his legs can carry him. not that ramuda is struggling, caught somewhere between pretending everything is just fine and that it's a mess. a little pink rabbit, frozen in fear.
ramuda laughs, half succeeding in moderating his tone to his usual one. the pain in his arms reminds him of something, someone else actually. ]
Chuohku, Ichijiku. [ that bitch— ]
Why's it matter? [ even if they're not here it's the same in the end anyway. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[ ramuda is dressed up like this except with pants rolled all the way down, he doesn't want to get frostbite thank you, plus with a beanie. very cozy and layered in a way that's casual but cohesive, because he absolutely knows his fashion.
he bounds over like usual, stopping just short of the taller man. here is where he'd usually expression affection of some sort (it varies, depending on the vibe of the day as is typical of ramuda), but he doesn't today. his grin and the way he looks up at him is the same as usual, though. ]
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He nearly reaches for Ramuda... but stops short. The snow isn't the only odd thing to come out of this week. There's the curious matter of the pain caused by skin-to-skin contact. If Ramuda wanted to avoid needless pain, Lobelia would understand. Most people would.]
It's a shame I can't greet you properly, but what can be done? This place has unusual methods of keeping people apart. Très triste.
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ramuda absolutely learned what the effects of this week were, probably within minutes of waking up and trying to throw himself over kaios shoulder or some other configuration of affection. it was a Time, for sure. ]
Didn't I tell ya not to underestimate me?
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[Where is the fun in that? By Lobelia's logic, if it isn't enjoyable and it offers no benefit, there's little reason to do it at all.]
Mm... should I be concerned for your well-being? Grow too eager to hurt yourself, and you may find you grow addicted.
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[ ramuda doesn't necessarily disagree, he just looks at it differently. ]
I don't like pain but I do like being touched. I don't like losing, but sometimes you gotta lose so you can win next time. [ he bounces on the balls of his feet up and down. truthfully, the effect this week does bug him, but he doubts anyone would ever be able to take a guess why. ]
And I wouldn't. There's more than a few honeys that have tried that already.
[ sticking his tongue out, nya. ]
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[A sharp mind, more than looks would suggest. No matter how many layers of bubblegum pink and saccharine charm he wraps himself in, Lobelia knows the taste beneath is something far more interestingβ far less sweet.
Naturally he would peel those layers back. Naturally he'd pry where he isn't wanted, listening for secrets never meant for his ears. It's the contradiction Ramuda wears so boldly that makes Lobelia itch to pull and unravel.]
Then you'll abstain, hoping this malΓ©diction will pass on its own? A reasonable solution, if so.
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Do you want me to touch you or not?
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Who says I desire to be hurt?
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[ actually, ramuda is off the mark here.
if he could see into the future, this would remind him of the many conversations he would have with one gentaro yumeno. ]
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[A soft hum escapes him, thoughtful, amused, intentionally unreadable.]
Touch, pain, pleasure... they are not so easily separated. Not for me. And wanting is never the same as needing.
[He lets his gaze linger, deliberately gentle, deliberately sharp.]
If you truly wish to know what I want, then ask me the right question.
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Do you want to be touched? Do you want to be hurt? [ two questions, but there's a reason he was an akita last week and not another breed of dog. ]
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Mm. Better.
[He'll answer both questions honestly.]
Do I want to be touched? Under the right circumstances, by the right hands, for the right reasons. Indulgence for indulgence's sake has never been my fortΓ©. A touch without meaning, without reason, is wasted on me.
I don't want to be hurtβ not for the sake of feeling pain. It ought to mean something, non? Just as a touch does. Both carry different meanings. Both have their place.
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it means he stays close, at least for now. ]
That's a whole lot of things to think about if you do that for everything you do.
[ he would know. ]
But if you're not feeling it, you're not feeling it. [ ramuda can be extremely pushy yes, but just like the rest of him that's paradoxical, it can easily swerve the other way. ] But hey, randomness can have meaning too.
[ this too, he knows.
he also purposefully does not address the meaning or lack thereof in the present moment. which is it? that's for ramuda to know. ]
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Mon cher, I do not weigh every action as though it were a moral philosophy exam... but some things do deserve thought. Touch. Hurt. The reasons behind them.
[He lifts a hand as if he means to brush a stray strand of cotton candy hair from Ramuda's face, but he doesn't touch. Not yet.]
Randomness can have meaning, oui. But if I am not feeling it... I simply am not feeling it. It's that simple.
[He exhales a quiet, thoughtful hum, eyes lit with bright, gentle mischief.]
And you... you're avoiding the heart of the matter entirely. Whether the moment means something or nothing... only you know that.
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Am I? But you didn't ask me that, just like how I didn't ask you a direct question before. [ he could leave it there, leave it heavily implied, but this is ramuda, a pink wrecking ball. ]
So are you going to ask me?
[ the distinct lack of slang in his words is apparent, especially to someone like lobelia. ramuda often peppers his speech with informal language and contemporary idioms and although his flow is still the same as always, melodic and upbeat, his sound is definitely different; alert, sharper, and honed. ]
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He lets his hand hover just a breath from Ramuda's cheek. A question shaped by proximity.]
Very well. I'll ask plainly, since that is what you're waiting for. Do you want me to touch you?
[A beat. Something gentler flickers through his gaze.]
Not by accident. Not by implication. Not by chance. Do you want my hands on you... for a reason?
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I do! [ without an ounce of hesitation. ] Are you gonna make me explain myself? It's cause I like you!
[ ramuda doesn't need to think that hard on it and he thought it was obvious. even with the drawbacks to touch, he still thinks it's worth it. he's let himself get beat up for far less and despite how bratty he was just moments ago, he can't help but want to catch that flicker for himself. ]
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But Ramuda doesn't step back. He leans closer. And that, more than the words themselves, knocks something loose in Lobelia's chest.]
Mon cher... you say it so easily. Like me? How fortunate I am that you are so brave, or so reckless. I cannot tell which.
[His smile curves slow, indulgent, teasing in the way his voice always softens when he's genuinely touched.]
But tell me... are you certain you want my hands on you? You'll pay for it, you know. Enough touches and you'll be in pain for the rest of the day. I would hate to have your fondness punished so harshly.
[He leans in, breath warm, stopping just shy of brushing their foreheadsβ close enough that Ramuda can feel the promise of contact, but not the contact itself.]
Unless... you like me that much?
[Another beat. Quieter, softer.]
Because if you truly do β if you mean it β I will try not to hurt you more than necessary. Even if I can't quite understand why someone as bright as you would look twice at someone like me.
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[ many, many times over and it's such an honest answer that ramuda doesn't realize he's said a bit more than he'd like. ]
This ain't that, it's not even close. I like you the most, I have the most fun with you out of everyone here! [ plainly as only ramuda can say it again, but just like before it is the truth. the why of it is twisted tight like the red stripe on a candy cane, but it's there. if lobelia isn't used to company, ramuda isn't used to being protected or looked out for, not when it matters. ]
Plus darkness and light are totally a combo, you know? Trust me on this one β.
[ ...and like recognizes like even if this is something ramuda is certainly not looking at himself. his brightness has darkness too, certainly it was born from it. ]
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Lobelia's hands find Ramuda's waist. They guide him close, and through layers of fabric, the faintest prickles of pain find him. Lobelia can ignore it easily enough.]
Ouiβ contrast and balance is important. But more than that... why is it that you've foregone your own happiness? Have you given up on it, or has it yet to find you in the proper form?
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...there is a slight pause before he answers, because this is certainly a question he should blow off. it's a question he wants to blow off but he's also enjoying this closeness; the pain matters way less than going who knows how many days without physical touch. it's not an addiction nor is it an indulgence but it does keep him centered and remind him of his biggest defect that is also his only source of comfort. ]
Lobelia, have you heard of YOLO before? It means You Only Live Once. If you can die any day, at any time, then you should spend every moment in pursuit of happiness. And [ the part that follows isn't in the definition of yolo but it is for Ramuda Amemura ] if you live another day, you can get more happiness. So you can put up with anything if it means you get to see tomorrow.
throws this tag at you like a brick I'M SORRY HOW DID IT GET SO LONG
How beautiful. How tragic. Worst of all, Lobelia understands innatelyβ even if "YOLO" was, blessedly, a term he'd not encountered until now. The irony does not elude him. That he should meet someone who reflects the most painful parts of himself, forces him to look at them... it feels predestined. This ache in his chest was meant for him.
Spend every moment in the pursuit of happiness. Yes, Lobelia did exactly that from the time he was a young boy combing the shoreline for conch shells, dutifully honoring his parents' wishes. Yet happiness remained fleeting. He'd crush it in his hands, watch it bleed, and feel enlivened. Then the silence kicked in. Then came the void.
How wonderful, and how painful, it is to be understood.
Lobelia sighs, tugging Ramuda closer before his mind can catch up to his hands. He kisses him knowing full well it will hurtβ knowing full well neither of them would have it any other way.
The pain stings along his lips, buzzes beneath his skin, electric and cruel. He lingers in that kiss, steeps in it as long as Ramuda does, drawing back only when he can remain silent no longer.]
You speak as though tomorrow is a luxury granted to others, not to you. As though happiness is something you can only chase in stolen moments, never claim for yourself.
[He leans back enough to meet Ramuda's eyesβ warm, intent, and far too observant.]
Oui, you live once. Just once. All the more reason not to spend that precious life enduring pain simply because it is familiar, or because you think you don't deserve more than flickers of joy.
[His voice drops, quiet, almost hesitant. Rare for him.]
Tell me, mon petit Γ©clair... When did you decide that "anything" was good enough for you? That your own happiness was worth so little you would suffer just to taste it?
[It isn't a reprimand. It's concern, genuine and earnest, startlingly gentle beneath the sharpness.]
I would like to understand you. Truly.
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ahhh, he can't hold it for as long as he'd like because he's certainly no masochist either. when he pulls back he's more than a little breathless and dazed; skin buzzing in a way that isn't pleasant, but still serves just as well to blunt his thoughts, just a little. ]
Hah... [ there's something different in his breath out, a deeper resonance than his usual. he's so weak and defective, if he wasn't off kilter from the kiss or the miasma that's plagued them since dawn, he could say what he wants to say. what he wants to shout from the bottom of his lungs, a gunshot that would echo all the way to the cold stone of the jail.
"No you don't!" ]
That's not— [ where is his pitch right now? somewhere between the sweet saccharine of his usual and the deep depth of his natural voice. ]
I didn't decide anything! [ ...that wasn't what he wanted to shout. but of course, it makes perfect sense that a defective product like him would fail at even the most basic defense of itself. ]
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Then it was decided for you. By whom?
[And with what right? Lobelia keeps Ramuda close, locked in his arms. He hadn't the inclination to let him go before, but he really doesn't now.]
Who denies you your right to be happy...?
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ramuda laughs, half succeeding in moderating his tone to his usual one. the pain in his arms reminds him of something, someone else actually. ]
Chuohku, Ichijiku. [ that bitch— ]
Why's it matter? [ even if they're not here it's the same in the end anyway. ]
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