[ ...yeah, he really doesn't, does he? ramuda is familiar with illness in a way no one else knows, and he pauses briefly, a very comically looking action as a plush before resuming his hop over.
he hates this as much as he hates this when it's happened to him and that makes his heart tremble. it's some type of blessing and a curse that lobelia can't hear it, the same way where he can't see his expression. a practiced smile to a practiced smile. ]
Bae ♥. [ same as the weekend, but many degrees softer. where do you want him? he bounds close and offers lobelia the choice first. ]
[Lobelia flattens against the couch, a mixture of fatigue and illness taking its toll on him. He'll carefully, oh so carefully, fold his hands around plushie Ramuda and hug him to his chest. This feels best.]
It's good to see you again... though the circumstances are far from ideal.
[ it's also a blessing and a curse the way ramuda has come to lean on this word, but there is so much he wants to say, yet he has the inability to say it. he wiggles against lobelia's chest, wondering if he can burrow in here.
when he can speak again, he chooses the next most important word: ]
[The word hits Lobelia square in the heart, of course... but he'll do little plushie Ramuda one better and lift him up to kiss him on his little plush head.]
Do you remember the promise I made you...? I suppose you'll haunt me if I don't live long enough to fulfill it.
[But that's beginning to look like a real possibility. For better or worse, Lobelia isn't afraid of dying. He never has been.]
[ how he wishes he could feel it; he'll return it as best as he's able (it might be ticklish?) this is...probably the longest time he's gone without a kiss since he decided to try to find out for himself what his real smile looks like. it's difficult in a way he'd never thought he'd know.
but so is the talk about promises even if this is a very silly conversation to be having with a ghost. ]
'Course. [ to both things, how could he forget? and how could he be anything but a violent ball of pink energy in whatever form he winds up in if it comes to pass? ramuda amemura feels strongly, regardless of what anyone else wants.
he waits again for another word, tapping lobelia's chest with his paw and then tapping his own pink fluffy one and then back again. ]
Promise. [ he might need to explain this one in more words, but-
-he refuses to accept this, even if it means he has to do some personal digging through hell. it's fine, he has experience there now. ]
[It isn't lost on Lobelia, eitherโ in his current form, there is little Ramuda can do to express himself. Is there any greater pain for an artist, for someone whose life is built upon expressing themselves? Lobelia won't easily admit that he's given up on such notions, but he hasn't given up on wishing for Ramuda's freedom of expression. No matter what happens, he'll never stop wishing the best for him.
Lobelia's hand comes up to cradle that pawโ softly, gently, as much as he can manage when his own strength has begun to betray him. No matter what may happen to him, he won't hurt Ramuda. He would sooner perish than destroy one of the few precious things in his life.]
...Bien. Hold onto that promise. I am loathe to put so much weight on your shoulders... but you'll continue believing in me, won't you? No matter what happens. No matter how bad it gets.
Duh! [ what a very ramuda answer, but there's no better way to express his sincerity. of course he'll keep believing in him—it took him literally kicking and screaming to get here but now that he's here, he's immovable. as best as he can, as hard as he can, he'll squeeze lobelia's hand back. ]
๐๐ท๐ฆ๐ณ๐ค๐ฐ๐ฎ๐ฆ. [ he says this with a musical inclination even if he can't say the rest of it. he's been writing here in hell and this is a peek at what he's created. ]
[...His wish truly was granted. Lobelia is happy. Ramuda makes him happy. He can hardly feel a thing, his energy levels are inconsistent at best, but he's content. Plus... there's little harm of him accidentally squeezing too hard and hurting Ramuda. Lobelia would naturally prefer to hold him in person, but for now, this is just what the doctor ordered.]
I will try my best. Besides... I can't imagine you would forgive me if I perished and left you all alone.
[ some bruises or broken bones would be a very small price to pay at this point for actual skinship. but this is what they have and it does help, even if it isn't anywhere close to being enough.
and yeah, he wouldn't forgive him. ramuda is selfish, emotional, volatile, illogical— ]
Yeah. [ and then he speaks again, in his natural voice, because— ]
Us, together. [ in japanese, nakama; a bond deeper than friendship and sometimes family and in this case, certainly romantic. there is no "I" here, not anymore. they will try their best so it's okay if lobelia can't at some point. because ramuda can do that for them both. there won't be anything to forgive. ]
[Would it be worth the wasted breath to warn Ramuda of what's to come? There's no guaranteeing him a happy ending. Lobelia would if he could. If he didn't care, he wouldn't feel any particular guilt, but he does. And if there's one feeling Lobelia can't stand, it's the crushing weight of guilt, silent and heavy where it bears down on his shoulders.
He squeezes Ramuda just a little tighter.]
I don't know what will become of me. For the first time in my life, I'm forced to leave my fate in the hands of othersโ trust that their compassion won't betray them in the end. Certainly... I hope it won't betray you.
ramuda again thinks it's fortunate that he doesn't need to try to control his expressions as a plush rabbit. then again, he's never been good at controlling his expressions in present company and he doesn't even want to anymore. but reflexes are reflexes. ]
Oui. Not by choice, but for the lack of one. Tell me... if that were to happen โ if I were to betray you, hurt you, without ever meaning to โ would you stop me?
[ if you asked him a few weeks ago, even right before he died, he probably would have been able to answer yes. but he's had time to sit with what lobelia has given him, to feel it settle between his non-existent ribs, slip into his heart and fill in all the empty space. ]
Depends. [ this is likely not the answer lobelia wanted to hear, but it is the answer ramuda can give. there are many more words behind it, many more questions he can't voice. what does stopping mean?
[...It's much too cruel to ask Ramuda to have a hand in killing him. It's cruel to ask that anyone put him down in the event he can't be saved, can't be cured, can't be rendered less of a threat. There's cruelty, and then there's scarring someone precious with a pain they may never fully recover from.
Lobelia is quiet for a good, long while, idling stoking the plush's soft ears.]
I will understand if you never forgive me. At the same time... I refuse to exist as anything but myself. I won't hurt you, either. Jamais. So I would urge you to prepare for that possibility.
[ he leans into the pets, finishing the cigarette he started this conversation with and lighting another one amidst the silence on the other side of the mirror. ]
Understand. [ and he does, because ramuda feels the same way. if he was going to just become another clone of chuokhu, if he was to lose who he is, he'd rather just die too. maybe that's ironic coming from someone who kicks and fights with everything they have to survive, but ramuda knows this is true despite never being presented with this situation himself. he accepts lobelia's words here, utterly and wholly.
but—
he doesn't have too many words to betray him, nor the sound of his heart. he's prepared, but it is almost certainly not in the way lobelia would wish for. ]
Je t'aime. [ what's in the word love? so many things, so many feelings and emotions that bury him in a pile of colorful sweets. someone like ramuda amemura has said this many times before, but never, ever, in this way. never with his whole heart, his soul, his entire being.
there is a danger in filling something to where it's close to bursting.
It rolls off the tongue so easily, doesn't it? Je t'aime. But it wasn't easy for Ramuda to say. It never is, peeling back your defenses far enough to let someone watch the way your heart bleeds. Men like them are experts at smiling through their wounds, offering the world honeyed words and carefully curated truths, never the trembling core beneath.
And it guts Lobelia. Both of them are losing precious things. Lobelia is not Lobelia without his mind, and Ramuda is slowly losing the man he has admitted to loving. Life is cruel, life is harsh, and Lobelia can only assume this must be karma. If he'd known he'd meet someone like Ramuda... perhaps he would have lived differently. Perhaps he would have made fewer mistakes, guarded fewer secrets, sought fewer reasons to remain alone.
But regrets come too late. He swallows the sigh threatening to escape and keeps it trapped behind his teeth. His fingers stroke the plushโ soft, familiar, but it is not the same. It is not warm. It is not human. It is not his Ramuda.]
Je t'aime aussi. Hoping for the best while preparing for the worst isn't a crime. And should we meet again, and you find me in an unrecognizable state... know that I haven't forgotten you. Not in my heart.
[ ramuda had said it because he felt it, like everything he says and does. still, it makes him feel so warm to have it returned and he wishes lobelia could feel that at least. he hasn't doubted his intentions since the night before he died even if it took him an entire day of laying in silence, swaddled in way too many blankets to accept it.
as much as it is a poor copy of touch, the rabbit brushes up against his fingers as best he can; hell truly is being unable to give both affection and words to someone like ramuda who thrives on them both. and hoping for the best while preparing for the worst is his specialty actually, and hearing it makes him laugh, the sound tinged with his deeper voice.
tap, tap goes the soft pink paw against lobelia's chest, and then back to the plush's own. you're here too! undeniably so and whether that causes him to finally bound free or break, ramuda is fine with it. ]
Reunite! [ there is no should. they will meet again even if the combination might be wacky. (even ramuda would not wish for lobelia to die so they can reunite as a ghost; nevermind that he thinks magi would take him personally and we have somehow reached the exact configuration that makes ramuda of all people, possessive.)
...but it'll happen. and after that well—it remains to be seen. but one way or another, ramuda will wind up with lobelia. the question is whether it will be be in life or death. ]
Edited (me realizing i should prob slap a cw here) 2025-12-11 23:29 (UTC)
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no subject
he hates this as much as he hates this when it's happened to him and that makes his heart tremble. it's some type of blessing and a curse that lobelia can't hear it, the same way where he can't see his expression. a practiced smile to a practiced smile. ]
Bae ♥. [ same as the weekend, but many degrees softer. where do you want him? he bounds close and offers lobelia the choice first. ]
no subject
It's good to see you again... though the circumstances are far from ideal.
no subject
[ it's also a blessing and a curse the way ramuda has come to lean on this word, but there is so much he wants to say, yet he has the inability to say it. he wiggles against lobelia's chest, wondering if he can burrow in here.
when he can speak again, he chooses the next most important word: ]
Chuu.
no subject
Do you remember the promise I made you...? I suppose you'll haunt me if I don't live long enough to fulfill it.
[But that's beginning to look like a real possibility. For better or worse, Lobelia isn't afraid of dying. He never has been.]
no subject
but so is the talk about promises even if this is a very silly conversation to be having with a ghost. ]
'Course. [ to both things, how could he forget? and how could he be anything but a violent ball of pink energy in whatever form he winds up in if it comes to pass? ramuda amemura feels strongly, regardless of what anyone else wants.
he waits again for another word, tapping lobelia's chest with his paw and then tapping his own pink fluffy one and then back again. ]
Promise. [ he might need to explain this one in more words, but-
-he refuses to accept this, even if it means he has to do some personal digging through hell. it's fine, he has experience there now. ]
no subject
Lobelia's hand comes up to cradle that pawโ softly, gently, as much as he can manage when his own strength has begun to betray him. No matter what may happen to him, he won't hurt Ramuda. He would sooner perish than destroy one of the few precious things in his life.]
...Bien. Hold onto that promise. I am loathe to put so much weight on your shoulders... but you'll continue believing in me, won't you? No matter what happens. No matter how bad it gets.
no subject
๐๐ท๐ฆ๐ณ๐ค๐ฐ๐ฎ๐ฆ. [ he says this with a musical inclination even if he can't say the rest of it. he's been writing here in hell and this is a peek at what he's created. ]
no subject
I will try my best. Besides... I can't imagine you would forgive me if I perished and left you all alone.
no subject
and yeah, he wouldn't forgive him. ramuda is selfish, emotional, volatile, illogical— ]
Yeah. [ and then he speaks again, in his natural voice, because— ]
Us, together. [ in japanese, nakama; a bond deeper than friendship and sometimes family and in this case, certainly romantic. there is no "I" here, not anymore. they will try their best so it's okay if lobelia can't at some point. because ramuda can do that for them both. there won't be anything to forgive. ]
no subject
[Would it be worth the wasted breath to warn Ramuda of what's to come? There's no guaranteeing him a happy ending. Lobelia would if he could. If he didn't care, he wouldn't feel any particular guilt, but he does. And if there's one feeling Lobelia can't stand, it's the crushing weight of guilt, silent and heavy where it bears down on his shoulders.
He squeezes Ramuda just a little tighter.]
I don't know what will become of me. For the first time in my life, I'm forced to leave my fate in the hands of othersโ trust that their compassion won't betray them in the end. Certainly... I hope it won't betray you.
no subject
ramuda again thinks it's fortunate that he doesn't need to try to control his expressions as a plush rabbit. then again, he's never been good at controlling his expressions in present company and he doesn't even want to anymore. but reflexes are reflexes. ]
Betray?
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Oui. Not by choice, but for the lack of one. Tell me... if that were to happen โ if I were to betray you, hurt you, without ever meaning to โ would you stop me?
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Depends. [ this is likely not the answer lobelia wanted to hear, but it is the answer ramuda can give. there are many more words behind it, many more questions he can't voice. what does stopping mean?
if it means-
if it means—
he can't and he won't. ]
no subject
Lobelia is quiet for a good, long while, idling stoking the plush's soft ears.]
I will understand if you never forgive me. At the same time... I refuse to exist as anything but myself. I won't hurt you, either. Jamais. So I would urge you to prepare for that possibility.
no subject
Understand. [ and he does, because ramuda feels the same way. if he was going to just become another clone of chuokhu, if he was to lose who he is, he'd rather just die too. maybe that's ironic coming from someone who kicks and fights with everything they have to survive, but ramuda knows this is true despite never being presented with this situation himself. he accepts lobelia's words here, utterly and wholly.
but—
he doesn't have too many words to betray him, nor the sound of his heart. he's prepared, but it is almost certainly not in the way lobelia would wish for. ]
Je t'aime. [ what's in the word love? so many things, so many feelings and emotions that bury him in a pile of colorful sweets. someone like ramuda amemura has said this many times before, but never, ever, in this way. never with his whole heart, his soul, his entire being.
there is a danger in filling something to where it's close to bursting.
liebestod. ]
no subject
It rolls off the tongue so easily, doesn't it? Je t'aime. But it wasn't easy for Ramuda to say. It never is, peeling back your defenses far enough to let someone watch the way your heart bleeds. Men like them are experts at smiling through their wounds, offering the world honeyed words and carefully curated truths, never the trembling core beneath.
And it guts Lobelia. Both of them are losing precious things. Lobelia is not Lobelia without his mind, and Ramuda is slowly losing the man he has admitted to loving. Life is cruel, life is harsh, and Lobelia can only assume this must be karma. If he'd known he'd meet someone like Ramuda... perhaps he would have lived differently. Perhaps he would have made fewer mistakes, guarded fewer secrets, sought fewer reasons to remain alone.
But regrets come too late. He swallows the sigh threatening to escape and keeps it trapped behind his teeth. His fingers stroke the plushโ soft, familiar, but it is not the same. It is not warm. It is not human. It is not his Ramuda.]
Je t'aime aussi. Hoping for the best while preparing for the worst isn't a crime. And should we meet again, and you find me in an unrecognizable state... know that I haven't forgotten you. Not in my heart.
[Not where it matters.]
cw; suicidal implications
as much as it is a poor copy of touch, the rabbit brushes up against his fingers as best he can; hell truly is being unable to give both affection and words to someone like ramuda who thrives on them both. and hoping for the best while preparing for the worst is his specialty actually, and hearing it makes him laugh, the sound tinged with his deeper voice.
tap, tap goes the soft pink paw against lobelia's chest, and then back to the plush's own. you're here too! undeniably so and whether that causes him to finally bound free or break, ramuda is fine with it. ]
Reunite! [ there is no should. they will meet again even if the combination might be wacky. (even ramuda would not wish for lobelia to die so they can reunite as a ghost; nevermind that he thinks magi would take him personally and we have somehow reached the exact configuration that makes ramuda of all people, possessive.)
...but it'll happen. and after that well—it remains to be seen. but one way or another, ramuda will wind up with lobelia. the question is whether it will be be in life or death. ]